My thoughts at the moment are about how we are shaped, almost molded, into the people we become. I often wonder about how different a person I could be, if circumstance had led me to it. Mostly these questions pertain to the broader question about nature v. nurture, that sort of thing. But if we really dig, sometimes what we see isn't what we would have liked. As much as it scares me, I feel I've spent most of my life with my mind virtually wholly embedded in illusions. My ideas of right and wrong, good and bad, etc. They all came from somewhere... be it anywhere in my environment. The funny thing is, I spent years trying to define myself as something separate from anything mainstream; what I failed to see for a long time, and I think most of us do, is that even the simple act of trying to stray from the pack indirectly defines you as part of yet another group. I would have been happy to evade societal labels all my life, except that I suddenly wondered-- if we run away for the sake of running away, is it still worth something? And what?
Maybe I'm opening up Pandora's infamous box for myself, but I feel this pressing urge to know. And if I can't know, be it whatever force of the universe trying to trick me, then at least to pursue the knowledge. I know I'm not the first.
At this point in time, I'm not sure how much worth exactly my life has...maybe yes, to specific individuals, but within the terms of space, and time, and the universe at large, and whatever else there is that we don't even know about, I have no clue how to assign any sort of currency to something like a single human life--regardless of who and what role they play within their community/country/ global society.
Which brings me back to my first question--if we had, as individuals, turned out to be polar opposites (if you can even imagine it) of what we are today, would it really matter? Once again, I can see some immediate, but probably, on a universal scale, trivial differences. We might have different relationships, lead different lives. How much does it really matter?
I'd like to think someday, I'll wake up in something mildly resembling the plot of The Matrix. However, I have some feeling...that if any sort of what we might consider 'enlightenment' were to take place, the truth might be something way freakier than anything we could imagine, or plot a movie from. In addition, as much as I would like to think this could happen, it's also this sort of blind belief that really drives me insane about the human race. So, I've managed to contradict myself. But, I'll take a wild guess that it matters not to anyone, and post it anyways.
My closing thought is that in all I know, I think there's a good chance I may know nothing. And I think the same of you as well.
Good observations. All the thinking seems to lead nowhere of any value. It's rather frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI read Laura Knight-Jadczyk's "The Secret History of The World" and loved it. It gave me the kind of "support" I think you're looking for -- not certitude but a real knowledge-filled sweeping history of the world. She does it. She's a mom, brought up as a fundy protestant, and was wondering when she started having kids what she should teach them -- she was determined to avoid lies and propaganda. She went on to read EVERYTHING and is still at it. One of the most interesting books I've ever read. If you have time for 800+ pages you'll meet all the characters you read about in school undressed or dressed up the way they ought to be. There are other ways of perceiving and thinking about the cosmos than nihilism and "faith." I enjoy your writing.
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